Our family was created via surrogacy, from the beginning this was our preferred way to family build. We often get asked ‘why didn’t you just adopt?’ to which we occasionally respond with ‘why didn’t you?’. Telling our story of how we became parents helps others understand the lengths the LGBTQ community often have to go to, whether that’s adoption, co-parenting, fostering, IVF, IUI or surrogacy. 

Surrogacy in the UK is perfectly legal, commercial surrogacy is not – therefore UK surrogacy is altruistic. Which means a surrogate is reimbursed reasonable expenses for carrying a pregnancy, and there are a number of strict laws around how surrogacy must be carried out. There are a number of organisations in the UK that can help intended parents navigate their way through the varying options. Expect to pay a membership fee for their services and depending on the organisation be prepared to wait to become a member, as waitlists can be 18 months to fully sign up. Or you can opt to embark on an independent journey which involves working without any professional, structured support, these are free to access and are usually all online.

There are two types of surrogacy, traditional or straight surrogacy. This is when the surrogate would use her own eggs and therefore have a genetic link to the child. The other is gestational or host surrogacy, this involves IVF and also donor eggs or sperm.

The current law in the UK originated from The Surrogacy Arrangements Act 1985, it’s desperately waiting for an overhaul – more on that later. The laws state that any woman who gives birth is classed as the child’s legal mother. If she is married, then her wife or husband is classed its other parent. So, despite not being biological linked to the child potentially, our surrogate and her husband are our child’s legal parents. Bonkers eh? We would have to apply for a Parental Order. So once the child is six weeks old, we submit our application to the court and go to court to change the legal parentage – straightforward enough, but so unnecessary. Thankfully there is overwhelming support to ensure this is changed in the new bill which is being drafted in 2022 hopefully.

I had always had a desire to have a biological child, no different than most people. The way in which I had to embark on that journey though was a little different. Being two men, we needed two vital ingredients to complete our family: An egg donor and a surrogate. Therefore, we embarked on a gestational surrogacy journey.

The outlook was positive but also daunting. Finding all the relevant information was exhausting. It took months to compile and the materials often conflicted, we began an independent journey as all of the not-for-profit surrogacy organisations either had their registration books closed or had 1–2-year waitlists. We immersed ourselves into the Surrogacy world. In all, we spent around three years researching our options as we knew very little about UK surrogacy, and in the beginning, we explored all the international options too – but the UK just felt right.

As Wes already had a daughter, choosing who ‘should go first’ wasn’t an issue for us, whereas some couples often have a battle making this important decision. It’s a conversation I’d suggest that you have in the early days as it can create some friction and even resentment, and so discussing this early on prepares you for the journey better. Being the non-biological parent for example may take some getting used to (pre-birth) or require additional counselling. Personally, leaving it up to the scientists seems the more sensible option: Use your best embryo first would be my advice, meaning having both intended fathers create embryos, as most like to, and then seeing which embryo has the best chance to become a live birth.

We joined a number of networking forums where surrogates and intended parents chat online (Facebook groups) and over time build relationships/friendships. We couldn’t believe of this new world we’d discovered.

We met our surrogate after around six weeks of being active in the surrogacy groups, and we hit it off immediately. We were delighted, and we also realised we were very lucky – meeting someone this quickly who you just ‘click’ with is rare, but it worked.  

Our surrogate, Caroline, was married and had never been a surrogate before. She had four children of her own and had always yearned to help make another family. 

Over the next six months we built on our friendship, we met with Caroline and her husband regularly, went out for meals, weekends away, and spent time with all her family. The nerves in the early days had long gone by now and they were replaced with excitement.

The exciting next step was finding a clinic that worked for us all. We chose one that had a great LGBTQ surrogacy programme and with a team that made us feel at ease. The next mission was asking the clinic to source us an egg donor that met our criteria. Most clinics have a waiting list for eggs, dependant on your criteria. Some over 8-10 months, so it’s good to bear this in mind. 

Wes and I asked each other ‘If we could have children naturally, what would they look like?’ So, as we were using my gametes (sperm) first, we asked the clinic to match the donor to Wes. I’m dark, olive-skinned, and have hazel eyes. Wes has fair skin, blue eyes, and blonde/brown hair, so that was our criteria. We specified taller too, as we’re not so blessed in that area.

Here in the UK, egg and sperm donation is regulated by the HFEA and it’s classed as ‘non-anonymous’, which essentially means that we don’t see photographs of our donor, nor do we know who they are. At the point of donation in the UK it’s completely anonymous. We only get non-identifiable details such as eye, hair, skin tone, and BMI (body mass index) as a marker. When our children turn 18, they can request full details of the donor, should they want to. This law came into effect in 2005, therefore no children conceived have yet turned 18 years old.

During this process, it inspired me to also become a sperm donor as it only felt right. Someone was helping us create our family by donating their cells, so why wouldn’t I do the same? So, I did.

After 6 months an egg donor was found, we were so excited – our journey was getting closer and closer - our dreams were now starting to materialise. Our surrogate began hormone treatment, all our blood and semen analysis tests were completed, as was our counselling, which is a vital part of the process.  

Our egg donor’s cycle was being stimulated by medication, and when her eggs were ready to be retrieved in the clinic I was invited to fertilise them and provide my sample. That fact that we were both in the clinic at the same time was crazy! Both anonymous to each other, we sat in different areas and our appointments were carefully timed.

Our donor didn’t produce many eggs, but this was expected. We were assured that the quality was excellent. We retrieved five eggs, my sperm was mixed with them, I was free to go home, and we’d then receive a daily call to hear how the fertilization process was progressing.

The lab updated us on the progress each morning, which was both nerve-racking and exciting. We had fertilised five eggs in the lab and by day five of them being cultured, three were viable and excellent blastocysts which is a day five embryo. We were happy with that result. Next was transfer.

In June 2018 we had a failed transfer, which was heart-breaking. We hadn’t prepared ourselves for it not working. We’d just assumed we’d be lucky again and naively just expected it to work, which we know now is not always the case. That said, with same-sex surrogacy almost all of the time you’re not dealing with infertility issues – eggs are under 35 years old, both men are fertile, and the surrogate has a proven history of being able to carry safely. So, transfers working the first time are quite common and we just expected it again. 

At this point, we had a little break to get our thoughts and emotions on track. Furthermore, we had to save for a new round of treatment. It hit us harder than we thought, and we just needed to connect again, as fertility treatment is so consuming.

This time we took a slightly different route. A friend offered to donate her eggs to us. She was also a fertility nurse and a real ambassador for surrogacy too.  I had worked with her on several law reform projects and policy improvement projects. We were both committed to surrogacy and worked hard to help change local and government policy We were beyond thrilled and because of her, we started treatment again in December 2018. 

We managed to get eight eggs retrieved this time, and by day five we had six blastocysts which we feel was an amazing result. We transferred a single embryo in mid-December, and on the 31st of December our two-week wait was up and our incredible surrogate tested again for us…we were pregnant! We were over the moon and could celebrate New Year knowing we had one hurdle completed. We were ready to take on 2019 and growing our tribe a little more. 

This time, our incredible, selfless surrogate was carrying Wes’ biological child who would turn out to be our incredible son. Again, the pregnancy moved along without any major issues, which we were grateful of. We had a planned c-section booked so we knew the date he’d be born on. We had our care at the same hospital and since our last pregnancy the NHS Trust had re-written its surrogacy policy with our help. This also meant that intended parents are both invited into theatre to witness the birth of their child. A proud moment and something that many other NHS Trusts have now implemented.

This time we took a slightly different route. A friend offered to donate her eggs to us. She was also a fertility nurse and a real ambassador for surrogacy too.  I had worked with her on several law reform projects and policy improvement projects. We were both committed to surrogacy and worked hard to help change local and government policy We were beyond thrilled and because of her, we started treatment again in December 2018. 

We managed to get eight eggs retrieved this time, and by day five we had six blastocysts which we feel was an amazing result. We transferred a single embryo in mid-December, and on the 31st of December our two-week wait was up and our incredible surrogate tested again for us…we were pregnant! We were over the moon and could celebrate New Year knowing we had one hurdle completed. We were ready to take on 2019 and growing our tribe a little more. 

This time, our incredible, selfless surrogate was carrying Wes’ biological child who would turn out to be our incredible son. Again, the pregnancy moved along without any major issues, which we were grateful of. We had a planned c-section booked so we knew the date he’d be born on. We had our care at the same hospital and since our last pregnancy the NHS Trust had re-written its surrogacy policy with our help. This also meant that intended parents are both invited into theatre to witness the birth of their child. A proud moment and something that many other NHS Trusts have now implemented.

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